Having the audacity can go one of two ways. If it’s not bodacious, it is probably egregious. And while sometimes it’s obvious which is which, other times it’s a fine line. Some examples, and what to do about it (hint: more bodaciousness please).
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Egregious Audacity
Audacity is one of those words that has a spectrum. At the egregious end, it is marked by rude or disrespectful behavior. At the bodacious end is the willingness to take bold risks.
For bodacious audacity inspo you can read here and here.
For egregious audacity, you already know the kind I’m talking about. It’s less about how we spot the difference, we know the difference. It’s more about what we do once we see the difference.
If you stop reading now and don’t take anything else from this, I want you to know this important secret:
The antidote to egregious audacity is bodacious audacity. You don’t fight rudeness with more rudeness. You meet it with bodacity.
Pop Culture Audacity
Love Island is in its 7th season of filming 20-something singles living together on a beautiful island, competing for $100k prize money to find love. It is a game of love and money. It is unscripted and at times unscrupulous. The perfect setting for audacity on all ends of the spectrum.
In a recent challenge, the contestants submitted anonymous notes to each other airing out their grievances. Things stopped being polite and started getting real. Real audacious. And anonymous in this case was synonymous with being rude.
The audacity played out in real-time as one of the female singles, Amaya, read her letters aloud to the group. Her anonymous letters revealed that she was too emotional, too passionate and that she came on too strong. The delivery was harsh.
As tears ran down her face while reading these letters, the men started chiming in. Not to take-back what they said, but to mansplain why they said it while this woman was already in tears. An example of what they didn’t like? She called one bro “babe”. And it was too much for him. On a dating show. That this man signed up to be on. Where the whole point is to couple up quickly. To win money. Being called “babe” crossed the line for him. And he had the audacity to tell her she was being too much.
IRL or on reality TV, when something you say brings someone to tears, it’s rude to keep piling on.
Pizza Audacity | A Dating Short-Story
In my heyday of dating in New York City, I was on a third date with someone we will call “the attorney," and our first dinner date. We had plans to meet at a cozy Neapolitan-style pizza restaurant on Bleeker Street. What you need to know about me is that I am a pizza-lover. And what you need to know about Neapolitan pizza is that it is personal-sized. Read: everyone needs their own pie.
As we settled in with menus, the attorney confessed that he got to the neighborhood early and had a couple of slices of pizza nearby. As I was trying to wrap my head around this, he explained further that he would just share with me whatever I ordered.
But who said I was sharing?
I glanced at the table next to us. A cute couple was living my dream pizza date. A bottle of wine. An appetizer in the middle of the table. And each with their own pie.
I will die on the hill that it is some sort of audacity to ask someone to share a Neapolitan pizza. So it shouldn’t have been any surprise when this same man then asked me to split the bill at the end of the date. The entire evening’s unfolding was the opposite of bodacious.
Career Audacity | A Niche Example
Jen was an instructor for Peloton in its early start-up days, parted ways six years ago, and last month joined a competitor in at-home-workouts called Ladder. Longtime Pelotoners might remember her, but only as a distant memory of a long-ago era. Pre-IPO. Pre-Covid. Pre- all the other home equipment options like Mirror and Tonal and now apparently something called Ladder.
As part of Ladder’s marketing campaign, Jen parked a giant billboard outside of the Peloton studio headquarters, emblazoned with the words “Ditch the bike. Download Ladder.” It boasted a promotion for Peloton members to get 3 free months with this new company when they #ditchthebike.
However clever the campaign (was it though?), the delivery by a former employee was messy. Being bodacious is about being bold, but it is rarely messy or petty. This was giving rude.
Finances Audacity | A Career Short-Story
I moved to NYC when I transferred with my firm from their Charlotte office. As part of the transfer, I was going to get a cost-of-living adjustment, commensurate with other Directors in the New York office. The only catch was: since salaries were only adjusted once a year at year-end, there would be a few months lag between my move and my pay adjustment. But I could rest assured they would catch me up.
Year-end came. The salary adjustment did not. When I inquired about it I was told: too late. The numbers have already been run, sorry.
Rude doesn’t quite capture it. Definitely some audacity. Did not feel bodacious.
The Only Acceptable Response: Bodacity
For every big bodacious move in life, there is a multitude of opportunities to have bodacious audacity in the micro-moments. If you ever find yourself staring down the barrel of someone’s rude audacity, the way out is to have bodacity. And the more we practice in these micro-moments, the better we get at it when it’s time for the big moves.
Amaya in the Love Island villa? She stood on authenticity. She had the bodacity to be unapologetically herself. If tears were a problem, she said (through tears, obvi), then, in her words, “I’m not your cup of tea to be drinking.” And if she came on too strong, she simply quipped that she wasn’t a “book you should be reading, and that’s okay.” She didnt’ apologize, she didn’t shrink, she leaned into her sensitive side and articulated in a way only she could that she was being herself. Bodacious audacity is always grounded in self-worth and reeks of authenticity.
My pizza date? I did share my pizza, but I had just enough bodacious audacity to say “no thank you” to splitting the bill. I get to choose my standards and what I will tolerate, and walk away from what is an absolutely-not for me. And if he had the audacity, then so could I.
The Peloton-drama? A current Peloton instructor had the bodacity to clap-back. He’s a little spicy in his delivery, but it can be summed up in this line: “I don’t care where you work or what community you represent, if you inspire your community to move, I salute you and I love you. But don’t come for me and my team and how we inspire our community to move.” Being bodaciously audacious is never about having the last word or being right. But it does call out bad behavior for what it is. In these micro moments there is an opportunity to say something bodacious when you see something egregious. And then move on.
My promised salary adjustment? I was a baby-bodacious baddie at the time. A little bit scared to be bodacious, but more scared not to be. I gathered every ounce of bodacity in me and went to the big boss. It was less of a negotiation, more of a meeting of the minds. I wish I could say that I was light about it, like: whoopsie, looks like you missed a digit! At the time it was one of the hardest things I had to do.
Minds were met that day and viola. I only had to be bodacious enough to ask twice, but my salary was appropriately adjusted and trued-up.
In the face of egregious audacity, you must have bodacious audacity. Bodaciousness is the only antidote. It’s the only medicine. It’s the only way out.
The Bodacity Cure
Most of these examples are on the light side of the egregious spectrum. And that’s the point. The more we get to practice bodacity in the micro-moments, the more we prime ourselves for the bigger moments.
The big bodaciously audacious moves are your life's work, but the micro-bodacious moves are where you start to build your bodacity trust muscle.
For when you need the bodacity cure in the micro-moments, here’s your guide:
Bodacity is an Inside Job: The ability to be bodacious is grounded in so much self worth and deservingness. You get to choose your standards, acceptable behavior, and what is and is not aligned for you. Have the bodacious audacity to live a life that reflects those standards. And if your standards are low, you can start by having the bodacity to elevate your standards and build your self-worth. When you believe it on the inside you can project it on the outside.
Bodacity is Not Messy: Because being bodacious is grounded in self-worth, there is no need to explain or complain. Or apologize. Gaslighting doesn’t live here. When you don’t know what to say, default to your self-worth and keep it simple. Ideas to respond without explaining, complaining, apologizing, or gaslighting (from the examples above): I’m not your cup of tea to be drinking; no thank you to splitting the bill; I care about you, that was unacceptable; whoopsie, I think you missed a digit on my paystub.
Bodacity is a Practice, Not an Outcome: In these split-second moments we don’t have the luxury of a lot of time to react. That’s why I call them micro-moments. These are practice for something bigger. You are a bodacious baddie, and these moments are a way to get your practice reps. You don’t fight rudeness with more rudeness, you diffuse it with bodaciousness. And then you move on energetically because you are training for the big leagues of doing the big bodacious thing.
No One Wins: Bodacity isn’t about winning. It’s not about having the last word, being right, or making someone see the error of their ways. The personal win is that you recognized that something is not aligned for you and you decided not to suffer. The outcome is that you don’t cowtow to something that feels wrong. You stand up for what’s aligned for you. It’s a personal victory, the win is that you become more of the bodacious baddie you were born to be.
The audio voiceover of this post: